The Inspector-General Read online

  GOVERNOR. Ah, the devil take it, it's nice to be a general. They hang a ribbon across your shoulders. What ribbon is better, the red St. Anne or the blue St. Andrew?

  ANNA. The blue St. Andrew, of course.

  GOVERNOR. What! My, you're aiming high. The red one is good, too. Why does one want to be a general? Because when you go travelling, there are always couriers and aides on ahead with "Horses"! And at the stations they refuse to give the horses to others. They all wait, all those councilors, captains, governors, and you don't take the slightest notice of them. You dine somewhere with the governor-general. And the town-governor—I'll keep him waiting at the door. Ha, ha, ha! (He bursts into a roar of laughter, shaking all over.) That's what's so alluring, confound it!

  ANNA. You always like such coarse things. You must remember that our life will have to be completely changed, that your acquaintances will not be a dog-lover of a judge, with whom you go hunting hares, or a Zemlianika. On the contrary, your acquaintances will be people of the most refined type, counts, and society aristocrats. Only really I am afraid of you. You sometimes use words that one never hears in good society.

  GOVERNOR. What of it? A word doesn't hurt.

  ANNA. It's all right when you are a town-governor, but there the life is entirely different.

  GOVERNOR. Yes, they say there are two kinds of fish there, the sea-eel and the smelt, and before you start to eat them, the saliva flows in your mouth.

  ANNA. That's all he thinks about—fish. I shall insist upon our house being the first in the capital and my room having so much amber in it that when you come in you have to shut your eyes. (She shuts her eyes and sniffs.) Oh, how good!

  Scene II

  The same and the Merchants.

  GOVERNOR. Ah, how do you do, my fine fellows?

  MERCHANTS (bowing). We wish you health, father.

  GOVERNOR. Well, my dearly beloved friends, how are you? How are your goods selling? So you complained against me, did you, you tea tanks, you scurvy hucksters? Complain, against me? You crooks, you pirates, you. Did you gain a lot by it, eh? Aha, you thought you'd land me in prison? May seven devils and one she-devil take you! Do you know that—

  ANNA. Good heavens, Antosha, what words you use!

  GOVERNOR (irritated). Oh, it isn't a matter of words now. Do you know that the very official to whom you complained is going to marry my daughter? Well, what do you say to that? Now I'll make you smart. You cheat the people, you make a contract with the government, and you do the government out of a hundred thousand, supplying it with rotten cloth; and when you give fifteen yards away gratis, you expect a reward besides. If they knew, they would send you to—And you strut about sticking out your paunches with a great air of importance: "I'm a merchant, don't touch me." "We," you say, "are as good as the nobility." Yes, the nobility, you monkey-faces. The nobleman is educated. If he gets flogged in school, it is for a purpose, to learn something useful. And you—start out in life learning trickery. Your master beats you for not being able to cheat. When you are still little boys and don't know the Lord's Prayer, you already give short measure and short weight. And when your bellies swell and your pockets fill up, then you assume an air of importance. Whew! What marvels! Because you guzzle sixteen samovars full a day, that's why you put on an air of importance. I spit on your heads and on your importance.

  MERCHANTS (bowing). We are guilty, Anton Antonovich.

  GOVERNOR. Complaining, eh? And who helped you with that grafting when you built a bridge and charged twenty thousand for wood when there wasn't even a hundred rubles' worth used? I did. You goat beards. Have you forgotten? If I had informed on you, I could have despatched you to Siberia. What do you say to that?

  A MERCHANT. I'm guilty before God, Anton Antonovich. The evil spirit tempted me. We will never complain against you again. Ask whatever satisfaction you want, only don't be angry.

  GOVERNOR. Don't be angry! Now you are crawling at my feet. Why? Because I am on top now. But if the balance dipped the least bit your way, then you would trample me in the very dirt—you scoundrels! And you would crush me under a beam besides.

  MERCHANTS (prostrating themselves). Don't ruin us, Anton Antonovich.

  GOVERNOR. Don't ruin us! Now you say, don't ruin us! And what did you say before? I could give you—(shrugging his shoulders and throwing up his hands.) Well, God forgive you. Enough. I don't harbor malice for long. Only look out now. Be on your guard. My daughter is going to marry, not an ordinary nobleman. Let your congratulations be—you understand? Don't try to get away with a dried sturgeon or a loaf of sugar. Well, leave now, in God's name.

  Merchants leave.

  Scene III

  The same, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, then Rastakovsky.

  AMMOS (in the doorway). Are we to believe the report, Anton Antonovich? A most extraordinary piece of good fortune has befallen you, hasn't it?

  ARTEMY. I have the honor to congratulate you on your unusual good fortune. I was glad from the bottom of my heart when I heard it. (Kisses Anna's hand.) Anna Andreyevna! (Kissing Marya's hand.) Marya Antonovna!

  Rastakovsky enters.

  RASTAKOVSKY. I congratulate you, Anton Antonovich. May God give you and the new couple long life and may He grant you numerous progeny—grand-children and great-grand-children. Anna Andreyevna! (Kissing her hand.) Marya Antonovna! (Kissing her hand.)

  Scene IV

  The same, Korobkin and his Wife, Liuliukov.

  KOROBKIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anton Antonovich, and you, Anna Andreyevna (kissing her hand) and you Marya Antonovna (kissing her hand).

  KOROBKIN'S WIFE. I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart, Anna Andreyevna, on your new stroke of good fortune.

  LIULIUKOV. I have the honor to congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. (Kisses her hand and turns to the audience, smacks his lips, putting on a bold front.) Marya Antonovna, I have the honor to congratulate you. (Kisses her hand and turns to the audience in the same way.)

  Scene V

  A number of Guests enter. They kiss Anna's hand saying: "Anna Andreyevna," then Marya's hand, saying "Marya Antonovna."

  Bobchinsky and Dobchinsky enter jostling each other.

  BOBCHINSKY. I have the honor to congratulate you.

  DOBCHINSKY. Anton Antonovich, I have the honor to congratulate you.

  BOBCHINSKY. On the happy event.

  DOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!

  BOBCHINSKY. Anna Andreyevna!

  They bend over her hand at the same time and bump foreheads.

  DOBCHINSKY. Marya Antonovna! (Kisses her hand.) I have the honor to congratulate you. You will enjoy the greatest happiness. You will wear garments of gold and eat the most delicate soups, and you will pass your time most entertainingly.

  BOBCHINSKY (breaking in). God give you all sorts of riches and of money and a wee tiny little son, like this. (Shows the size with his hands.) So that he can sit on the palm of your hand. The little fellow will be crying all the time, "Wow, wow, wow."

  Scene VI

  More Guests enter and kiss the ladies' hands, among them Luka Lukich and his wife.

  LUKA LUKICH. I have the honor.

  LUKA'S WIFE (running ahead). Congratulate you, Anna Andreyevna. (They kiss.) Really, I was so glad to hear of it. They tell me, "Anna Andreyevna has betrothed her daughter." "Oh, my God," I think to myself. It made me so glad that I said to my husband, "Listen, Lukanchik, that's a great piece of fortune for Anna Andreyevna." "Well," think I to myself, "thank God!" And I say to him, "I'm so delighted that I'm consumed with impatience to tell it to Anna Andreyevna herself." "Oh, my God," think I to myself, "it's just as Anna Andreyevna expected. She always did expect a good match for her daughter. And now what luck! It happened just exactly as she wanted it to happen." Really, it made me so glad that I couldn't say a word. I cried and cried. I simply screamed, so that Luka Lukich said to me, "What are you crying so for, Nastenka?" "Lukanchik," I said, "I don't know myself. The tears just keep flowing li
ke a stream."

  GOVERNOR. Please sit down, ladies and gentlemen. Ho, Mishka, bring some more chairs in.

  The Guests seat themselves.

  Scene VII

  The same, the Police Captain and Sergeants.

  CAPTAIN. I have the honor to congratulate you, your Honor, and to wish you long years of prosperity.

  GOVERNOR. Thank you, thank you! Please sit down, gentlemen.

  The Guests seat themselves.

  AMMOS. But please tell us, Anton Antonovich, how did it all come about, and how did it all—ahem!—go?

  GOVERNOR. It went in a most extraordinary way. He condescended to make the proposal in his own person.

  ANNA. In the most respectful and most delicate manner. He spoke beautifully. He said: "Anna Andreyevna, I have only a feeling of respect for your worth." And such a handsome, cultured man! His manners so genteel! "Believe me, Anna Andreyevna," he says, "life is not worth a penny to me. It is only because I respect your rare qualities."

  MARYA. Oh, mamma, it was to me he said that.

  ANNA. Shut up! You don't know anything. And don't meddle in other people's affairs. "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "I am enraptured." That was the flattering way he poured out his soul. And when I was going to say, "We cannot possibly hope for such an honor," he suddenly went down on his knees, and so aristocratically! "Anna Andreyevna," he says, "don't make me the most miserable of men. Consent to respond to my feelings, or else I'll put an end to my life."

  MARYA. Really, mamma, it was to me he said that.

  ANNA. Yes, of course—to you, too. I don't deny it.

  GOVERNOR. He even frightened us. He said he would put a bullet through his brains. "I'll shoot myself, I'll shoot myself," he said.

  MANY GUESTS. Well, for the Lord's sake!

  AMMOS. How remarkable!

  LUKA. It must have been fate that so ordained.

  ARTEMY. Not fate, my dear friend. Fate is a turkey-hen. It was the Governor's services that brought him this piece of fortune. (Aside.) Good luck always does crawl into the mouths of swine like him.

  AMMOS. If you like, Anton Antonovich, I'll sell you the dog we were bargaining about.

  GOVERNOR. I don't care about dogs now.

  AMMOS. Well, if you don't want it, then we'll agree on some other dog.

  KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Oh, Anna Andreyevna, how happy I am over your good fortune. You can't imagine how happy I am.

  KOROBKIN. But where, may I ask, is the distinguished guest now? I heard he had gone away for some reason or other.

  GOVERNOR. Yes, he's gone off for a day on a highly important matter.

  ANNA. To his uncle—to ask his blessing.

  GOVERNOR. To ask his blessing. But tomorrow—(He sneezes, and all burst into one exclamation of well-wishes.) Thank you very much. But tomorrow he'll be back. (He sneezes, and is congratulated again. Above the other voices are heard those of the following.)

  CAPTAIN. I wish you health, your Honor.

  BOBCHINSKY. A hundred years and a sack of ducats.

  DOBCHINSKY. May God increase it to a thousand.

  ARTEMY. May you go to hell!

  KOROBKIN'S WIFE. The devil take you!

  GOVERNOR. I'm very much obliged to you. I wish you the same.

  ANNA. We intend to live in St. Petersburg now. I must say, the atmosphere here is too village-like. I must say, it's extremely unpleasant. My husband, too—he'll be made a general there.

  GOVERNOR. Yes, confound it, gentlemen, I admit I should very much like to be a general.

  LUKA. May God grant that you get a generalship.

  RASTAKOVSKY. From man it is impossible, but from God everything is possible.

  AMMOS. High merits, high honors.

  ARTEMY. Reward according to service.

  AMMOS (aside). The things he'll do when he becomes a general. A generalship suits him as a saddle suits a cow. It's a far cry to his generalship. There are better men than you, and they haven't been made generals yet.

  ARTEMY (aside). The devil take it—he's aiming for a generalship. Well, maybe he will become a general after all. He's got the air of importance, the devil take him! (Addressing the Governor.) Don't forget us then, Anton Antonovich.

  AMMOS. And if anything happens—for instance, some difficulty in our affairs—don't refuse us your protection.

  KOROBKIN. Next year I am going to take my son to the capital to put him in government service. So do me the kindness to give me your protection. Be a father to the orphan.

  GOVERNOR. I am ready for my part—ready to exert my efforts on your behalf.

  ANNA. Antosha, you are always ready with your promises. In the first place, you won't have time to think of such things. And how can you—how is it possible for you, to burden yourself with such promises?

  GOVERNOR. Why not, my dear? It's possible occasionally.

  ANNA. Of course it's possible. But you can't give protection to every small potato.

  KOROBKIN'S WIFE. Do you hear the way she speaks of us?

  GUEST. She's always been that way. I know her. Seat her at table and she'll put her feet on it.

  Scene VIII

  The same and the Postmaster, who rushes in with an unsealed letter in his hand.

  POSTMASTER. A most astonishing thing, ladies and gentlemen! The official whom we took to be an inspector-general is not an inspector-general.

  ALL. How so? Not an inspector-general?

  POSTMASTER. No, not a bit of it. I found it out from the letter.

  GOVERNOR. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What letter?

  POSTMASTER. His own letter. They bring a letter to the postoffice, I glance at the address and I see Pochtamtskaya Street. I was struck dumb. "Well," I think to myself, "I suppose he found something wrong in the postoffice department and is informing the government." So I unsealed it.

  GOVERNOR. How could you?

  POSTMASTER. I don't know myself. A supernatural power moved me. I had already summoned a courier to send it off by express; but I was overcome by a greater curiosity than I have ever felt in my life. "I can't, I can't," I hear a voice telling me. "I can't." But it pulled me and pulled me. In one ear I heard, "Don't open the letter. You will die like a chicken," and in the other it was just as if the devil were whispering, "Open it, open it." And when I cracked the sealing wax, I felt as if I were on fire; and when I opened the letter, I froze, upon my word, I froze. And my hands trembled, and everything whirled around me.

  GOVERNOR. But how did you dare to open it? The letter of so powerful a personage?

  POSTMASTER. But that's just the point—he's neither powerful nor a personage.

  GOVERNOR. Then what is he in your opinion?

  POSTMASTER. He's neither one thing nor another. The devil knows what he is.

  GOVERNOR (furiously). How neither one thing nor another? How do you dare to call him neither one thing nor another? And the devil knows what besides? I'll put you under arrest.

  POSTMASTER. Who—you?

  GOVERNOR. Yes, I.

  POSTMASTER. You haven't the power.

  GOVERNOR. Do you know that he's going to marry my daughter? That I myself am going to be a high official and will have the power to exile to Siberia?

  POSTMASTER. Oh, Anton Antonovich, Siberia! Siberia is far away. I'd rather read the letter to you. Ladies and gentlemen, permit me to read the letter.

  ALL. Do read it.

  POSTMASTER (reads). "I hasten to inform you, my dear friend, what wonderful things have happened to me. On the way here an infantry captain did me out of my last penny, so that the innkeeper here wanted to send me to jail, when suddenly, thanks to my St. Petersburg appearance and dress, the whole town took me for a governor-general. Now I am staying at the governor's home. I am having a grand time and I am flirting desperately with his wife and daughter. I only haven't decided whom to begin with. I think with the mother first, because she seems ready to accept all terms. You remember how hard up we were taking our meals wherever we could without payi
ng for them, and how once the pastry cook grabbed me by the collar for having charged pies that I ate to the king of England? Now it is quite different. They lend me all the money I want. They are an awful lot of originals. You would split your sides laughing at them. I know you write for the papers. Put them in your literature. In the first place the Governor is as stupid as an old horse—"

  GOVERNOR. Impossible! That can't be in the letter.

  POSTMASTER (showing the letter). Read for yourself.

  GOVERNOR (reads). "As an old horse." Impossible! You put it in yourself.

  POSTMASTER. How could I?

  ARTEMY. Go on reading.

  LUKA. Go on reading.

  POSTMASTER (continuing to read). "The Governor is as stupid as an old horse—"

  GOVERNOR. Oh, the devil! He's got to read it again. As if it weren't there anyway.

  POSTMASTER (continuing to read). H'm, h'm—"an old horse. The Postmaster is a good man, too." (Stops reading.) Well, here he's saying something improper about me, too.

  GOVERNOR. Go on—read the rest.

  POSTMASTER. What for?

  GOVERNOR. The deuce take it! Once we have begun to read it, we must read it all.

  ARTEMY. If you will allow me, I will read it. (Puts on his eye-glasses and reads.) "The Postmaster is just like the porter Mikheyev in our office, and the scoundrel must drink just as hard."

  POSTMASTER (to the audience). A bad boy! He ought to be given a licking. That's all.

  ARTEMY (continues to read). "The Superintendent of Char-i-i—" (Stammers.)

  KOROBKIN. Why did you stop?

  ARTEMY. The handwriting isn't clear. Besides, it's evident that he's a blackguard.

  KOROBKIN. Give it to me. I believe my eyesight is better.

  ARTEMY (refusing to give up the letter). No. This part can be omitted. After that it's legible.

  KOROBKIN. Let me have it please. I'll see for myself.